you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
