Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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