I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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