and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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