glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
