I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
