Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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