I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
