dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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