What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
