I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
