I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
