haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
