I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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