I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
one might say we're banned from that church
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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