Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
