im drinking this country out of the recession.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize