Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
