I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
