my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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