i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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