Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
