roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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