I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When did angry sex become our thing?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
