How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
