I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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