At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
