I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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