i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
