This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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