I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
