Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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