Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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