Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
