Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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