Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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