my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize