dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
