He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
