I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
