So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
