My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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