Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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