girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize