Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize