my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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