winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
