We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize