Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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