thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
