Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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