Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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