also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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