my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm like, not good at living.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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