Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Be still, my beating vagina.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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