New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
