he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize