My liver just broke up with me...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
