I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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