do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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