Dual....:-)
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
