ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You are a genius and a whore.
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