That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
