cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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