He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
